Surviving Heartbreak.

I will never love another again.

We've all been here. In this empty, black well that is miles deep. If you become too tired of swimming to keep your head above water, you'll drown. I was there two and a half months ago and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still in that hole. Truth of the matter is is I'm still in love with my ex and probably will be for a long time. You can't just take five years of a relationship and let that go in less than a year, you just can't (unless it was that terrible) [Amen.].

As hard as this has been, it's sucked the passion out of my story writing for the time being. But it has brought new light to different kinds of writing I'd like to explore, such as content, social media, and blog writing [Like we're doing nooooow.]! So, as of right now, my focus is on you guys (and some editing to my finished book Second Chances, because we really need to get the ball rolling on that one)!

So let's talk about it. I have a different outlook on breakups than most maybe, and you can tell me that I'm wrong later, but this is my blog and you wouldn't be here reading this if you didn't care what I have to say [Are we feeling special right now?].

After it is known of a breakup, no matter how long you were in it or whatever the specifics and details of it were, people are always going to give you stereotypical "pick-me-ups" or try and hook you up with someone. Such as, "It's a blessing in disguise," "It wasn't meant to be," "Something better is coming," "He/She didn't deserve you," "You'll find somebody better," "You can get back out there now." The list goes on and on. While I don't disagree with these sayings, sometimes they just don't apply. One saying I will stick by though is, "everything happens for a reason." Sometimes things aren't meant to work out, right now. Who's to say, yeah, things aren't working out right now, but maybe they will later.

Relationships aren't perfect, for sure, because people have flaws and we're all doing the best we can with what we know and what we grew up with. The most important part is that we're always learning, always evolving, always willing to self-reflect and be better people for the next time around, whether that's with the same person or someone new [Though, we hope it's the same person.]. I see celebrities, and other normal people for that matter, date the same person over and over again and it works out for a lot of those people. They grew apart, grew up a bit separately for a moment, then grew back together. Why can't that happen for some of us too? The point is, why lose hope? Why, after a breakup, we're always like, "Good riddance! I deserve better!" Why be so selfish? It's okay to know you had something really special with someone, something you may not find with/in someone else. Relationships are 50/50. They take two people willing to do the work because we love that person enough not wanting to have stupid fights, stupid laughs, stupid fun, and stupid love with anyone else. We don't always have to walk away and give up. We don't always have to say goodbye forever.

For instance, I always felt like my ex didn't care about how I felt about pretty much everything. In my mind, I made him the bad guy. After our break up (which was not pleasant at the first gecko), we talked about what went wrong in the few months before this devastation. I realized that I'm my own bad guy. I stand in my own way. I stand in the way of my own happiness. By this, I mean that I'm terrible at communicating, and while he was too, there's so much that could've been resolved had I just told him how I felt instead of being afraid. I didn't give him the opportunity to be trusted and to validate and understand me. I never gave him the chance to be the good guy. And while I wasn't the entire reason our relationship wasn't working, I do take responsibility for my 50%. For my faults, my flaws, for when I let him down, for when I hurt him, for my insecurities, for when I let my needs, wants, and hurt-anger cloud and confuse who I really am inside. So, communication is something I have to work on, and other subcategories of that. I want to start working out too when this whole Corvid-19 thing is over (if it will ever end), for now, I can start with time in the sunshine, however I can get that. I'm going to work on being more of an Extrovert. Being more of a people person. Be on that spectrum of both Intro and Extro (all things are probably after the virus is gone). I'm also looking forward to being a real adult by getting all my bills paid off, saving for a place of my own, and making some actual friends of my own.

When breakups happen, you never hear of the positives and things taken from it. For me, my ex is the most amazing and greatest person I have ever known. He wasn't perfect, far from it, but that's what made him special to me. His smile, not perfect, made my heart smile. His laugh, though embarrassing to others, made me laugh harder. There's so many things I admire about that man. He is hardworking, the life of the party, hilarious, a daredevil, dedicated, selfless to others, a genius, and super sweet. He has taught me so much and he is someone I look up to. I appreciate him as a lover, a friend, and as a human being. I admire him the most. However I impacted his life, if I did at all, I hope I had the same affect on him. Or at least he feels similarly.

Does this mean I'm glad this happened? Absolutely not. I wish I could go back in time and not be so afraid of my feelings and emotions and talking about them. What a fool I was. I'd be lying if I said I can't look at photos without crying or listening to music without crying or even watch movies and TV shows without popping out a tear. Nights are the worst. When you lay down at night, the time that is most intimate with your partner [Intimate in all ways, you dirty birds!], and turn your head to find yourself without them each night, it's a heartache a wish would go away. I wish I could touch his face. To hug him. To smell him. To kiss him. No matter the distractions, deep down it hurts with all of me. It doesn't get easier, but it gets better. What helps the most is that we're still confidants. All we can do is respect and be there for each other whenever possible, and that can be enough for now.

You know, regrets are funny. They teach us the most important things in life and shape us into the people we realize we want to be and who and what never to be again. So, in the end, are they really regrets? If you believe in Everything Happens For a Reason, then no, just opportunities. Yes, we hate things that were said or done that came from us in the first place that hurt others. But it gives us the opportunity to learn, grow, be better. And hopefully vice versa for the other person.

I'll always have a reserved, special place in my heart for him; a weakness. And will always hope for a second shot. Choosing singlehood was my plan before him and will continue to be going forward. I will enjoy and cherish the friendship we have. Being single is not my choice solely because of him, let's be clear of that, but because there's a lot to achieve and grow on my own. I don't need other distractions in my life, especially now. Now, I can really focus on myself, my career, and being the best version of myself for myself [Hell yeah! Maybe we'll get a new cat too!]

But, on my end, the door is always left cracked for him.

P.S.: He's also a mover, which means he's a truck driver, and with Corvid-19 craze I'm praying him and his family are staying safe. They are in my thoughts.

I hope this was helpful for anyone reading this during such a hard time. Breakups suck. It sucks more when people try to "up" you when you just want to feel what you feel, especially without tearing the ex down (unless it's definitely righted). It sucks harder when your heart still beats for them and you don't know how they feel on the other side (but hey, it's not always everyone's thing and that's totally okay in its own right.). Best thing to do is focus on yourself, lots of self-love, forgive, heal, figure yourself out, and everything will fall into place. Just have hope [So beautiful.].

Quick note as well. It's okay to be sensitive, vulnerable, intimate, loving, angry, emotional, honest, kind, caring, forgiving, stressed, jealous (in a healthy amount), understanding, validated, and supported. For women and men. These things make us human. They help us shape who we are and who we want to be. Help us in self-discovery!

Just.

Keep.

Being.

Human.

- Tana

the Blue Label

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